Why?

I have no idea why I am awake, and crying. Perhaps I am thinking too much. Stressing too much. After all, my charade is crumbling. I am no longer the strong, independent woman I have portrayed for so many years to be. I am exposed, vulnerable and instead of getting a sense of relief that my secret is out, I am in utter despair.

Why? Because I am mad. Mad at the world. Mad at life.

Why have I been dealt this card? Why oh why have I been doomed to a life of pain and discomfort?
Why after working my ass off in school am I destined to beg for money to get myself the treatment I have dreamed about, hoped for and only imagined?

Has life not been hard enough? I am not a believer that God gives us challenges we must face. But rather that he knows of our struggles and believes that if we have faith, we will overcome them and accept them. I cannot for one second believe that a God would give me a rough start to life with seizures and struggles, LS as a toddler, followed by a mother with a mental disorder and a father with Parkinson's. Have I not walked my road yet? Have I not come out a stronger person? Learned to take the higher road? To put my best foot forward?

Part of me wants to give up. To crawl back into that hole of bliss where I put on a happy face and present myself to the world as this perfect house is clean, kids are well behaved, happy kind of existence. Not the woman who cries alone at night and asks why over and over. The woman who takes a sleeping pill just so she won't wake up digging at herself in misery and waking in the morning once again reminded of the chronic pain that each day brings.

What I wouldn't give for a full week where I do not think about my disease every second of every day. ~S