I wish I had better news today. I was hoping that by this time (4 weeks out) I would have more positive things to report.
Lately, as each days passes, I fall deeper and deeper in a dark hole. I have days full of hope, productivity and find myself laughing, then I have days like today where I feel absolutely worthless as a human being.
I am still unemployed (I have an interview next week and am in the second process with another employer) therefor am not contributing financially or to society in any way. I am not a good wife as Matt has had to take care of the house on my bad days as well as the kids. I am not a good mother. I cannot bare to leave the house, let alone take the kids to a park or much of anything else. I am not a good friend and find myself pulling away more and more each day.
Perhaps I thought of this procedure as my last hope of a quality of life and now that it is not happening, I am in complete despair. I know that I need to give it time, but I am having pain that I have NEVER experienced with LS to this degree.
It hurts to sit, walk or even put on clothes. I have a constant burning and stabbing pain that is unbearable. I itch and am raw. The burning to this severity and length is new. New! Thus why I am feeling like I cannot be helped. Accepting that this is my life, there is no cure and this procedure (after all the work this last year to make it happen) may be a complete fail, makes me want to give up.
I still have the same fissures that I had the day of the procedure. Frustrating. I am supposed to call the doctor in one more day if I have not improved. And then what?!
I am usually a pretty positive, productive, suck it up and deal with it person. Most people who found out I was sick were shocked. I want to be that person again, but am finding a hard time finding her. I feel disconnected, alone and full of stress. Financially without my income, each week we fall deeper in debt. I am praying I get the job I am interviewing for next week as it is an online college course and working from home seems like a better option for me until I receive more treatments.
The last few weeks, I catch myself looking at "normal" women thinking, "She would be a great wife for my husband."
Living with constant pain is wearing physically, mentally and spiritually on me. I feel like I am too young to deal with this and with no cure in site, it is nothing less than devastating. I am beginning to feel like a burden to my husband.
My whole life all I have wanted is a career, busy life and to contribute. All of those things are crashing down and my disease is swallowing me up.
Pray that tomorrow I will find hope again. ~S
No comments:
Post a Comment