Hurting

It is no surprise to those who are close to me, that I have two parents that struggle with disease. My dad has Parkinson's and is at the stage where he needs constant supervision due to falling, choking and overall help.

My mom has a mental disorder. Without going into too much detail, as I am not really in the mood to talk about it, I have to say that dealing with these issues is at times draining, heartbreaking, devastating and exhausting.

Often, I get calls from my little brother (who lives close to them) and we have to work out how to deal with issues that arise.

This week, my mom was the one who needed help. Long story short, she went to the ER, has to go before a judge and may get committed to the state hospital for up to 120 days. Because of this, my dad will have to go to each of our houses for up to a month and live.

Those who have parents with mental illnesses know these things:
~You cannot cure a mental disorder.
~Mental disorders affect more than the person who is ill.
~You have to constantly revise your expectations of the person and their role in your life.
~You have to constantly renegotiate your emotional relationship with the person.
~You and your siblings have to have constant courage to deal with the disorder.
~People don't realize that you experience grief about what you have lost and what you will never have.
~It takes years to go through all of the stages of denial, sadness, anger and finally acceptance. Once acceptance happens, comes compassion (this is where I am at).
~You can't shoulder the whole responsibility yourself and the needs of the ill person cannot always come first.

I cannot tell you what life has been like for me with two ill parents. Sometimes, I cannot hardly believe it myself. Some days, it takes all of my strength to even get out of bed. Life is so rough. It is hard not to get overwhelmed with my own disease, dealing with sick kids (strep) this week, work, finances, and life in general.

I went through many years of anger and resentment over what I don't have, what I went through and still go through. My mom talks to voices that torment her constantly. How do I, or anyone for that matter, understand that? They tell her she is going to die and say horrible things to her.

It is easy to judge from the outside, but until you actually experience it in your own family, you cannot even come close to understanding.

Your mom is nothing like my mom and my view of a mom and what that entails has to change constantly or else it just hurts too much. Today, I am hurting. Hurting for my kids that they won't know her without the voices and illness, for my dad who has to bear the mental disorder daily and the wife it has taken away from him, for my brothers who are going through the same thing as me, for her sisters and family who have lost a sister and daughter that they once knew and for me, because daily I realize that I am never not mourning for the mom I wish I had, know I will never have and want so badly.

Sometimes when I call her, I get a teasing bit of a conversation that reminds me of the old days, but then I hear the confusion, distraction and silence in her voice and I know she is distracted by the voices.

I love you mom. I am so sorry that you have this awful burden to bear. ~S