Falling Deeper & Deeper

I wish I had better news today. I was hoping that by this time (4 weeks out) I would have more positive things to report.

Lately, as each days passes, I fall deeper and deeper in a dark hole.  I have days full of hope, productivity and find myself laughing, then I have days like today where I feel absolutely worthless as a human being.

I am still unemployed (I have an interview next week and am in the second process with another employer) therefor am not contributing financially or to society in any way. I am not a good wife as Matt has had to take care of the house on my bad days as well as the kids. I am not a good mother. I cannot bare to leave the house, let alone take the kids to a park or much of anything else. I am not a good friend and find myself pulling away more and more each day.

Perhaps I thought of this procedure as my last hope of a quality of life and now that it is not happening, I am in complete despair. I know that I need to give it time, but I am having pain that I have NEVER experienced with LS to this degree.

It hurts to sit, walk or even put on clothes. I have a constant burning and stabbing pain that is unbearable. I itch and am raw.  The burning to this severity and length is new. New! Thus why I am feeling like I cannot be helped. Accepting that this is my life, there is no cure and this procedure (after all the work this last year to make it happen) may be a complete fail, makes me want to give up.

I still have the same fissures that I had the day of the procedure. Frustrating. I am supposed to call the doctor in one more day if I have not improved. And then what?!

I am usually a pretty positive, productive, suck it up and deal with it person. Most people who found out I was sick were shocked. I want to be that person again, but am finding a hard time finding her. I feel disconnected, alone and full of stress.  Financially without my income, each week we fall deeper in debt. I am praying I get the job I am interviewing for next week as it is an online college course and working from home seems like a better option for me until I receive more treatments.

The last few weeks, I catch myself looking at "normal" women thinking, "She would be a great wife for my husband."

Living with constant pain is wearing physically, mentally and spiritually on me. I feel like I am too young to deal with this and with no cure in site, it is nothing less than devastating. I am beginning to feel like a burden to my husband.

My whole life all I have wanted is a career, busy life and to contribute. All of those things are crashing down and my disease is swallowing me up.

Pray that tomorrow I will find hope again. ~S

Doubts & Fears

It has been 2 weeks since I had the Stem Cell/Plasma procedure.

I realize that Dr. Newman said it would take 6 weeks before I see the full results, but life is hard with LS during that time.

Each day is different.  My swelling has decreased significantly and I am seeing a reduction in the scar tissue by at least 50% - great news.  However, the itching, burning, stinging and not being able to walk without pain after certain activities is still there full force.  Some days, I am near tears.

I am not fissure free, cannot sit on hard surfaces and am fighting the urge to crawl in bed.

Matt is home for another 5 days.  I am booking my next procedure for November and it will literally drain my donation account.

Right now, I am focusing on finding a job. Matt is also seeking a second job.  I have been unemployed from my job (the second one, the other one ended in June) now for exactly two days.  I am expecting depression to set in momentarily as working got my mind off things and made us not in the category of "living paycheck to paycheck."

Today is not a good day. My disease is reminding me of its existence about every three seconds.

My hopes are that after the three procedures, I can go at least a day without pain.

I am also feeling lonely as I am a somewhat social person with work, volunteering and friends.  Since my procedure, I have been house-bound which is not good :/ I find myself fighting off tears daily. I am trying to be positive, but sometimes it is just plain hard. ~S