I cannot explain the pain I am in. This time, I am not battling fissures, but raw, red, burning, itching, split, ugly skin. It is terrible. It stings when I pee, it burns and tears when I wipe and it itches non-stop. I wake up itching in the middle of the night and during the day it is hard to concentrate on anything. I can't remember when I was in this much pain. I am grumpy and it is affecting my life. I am so desperate, I am actually considering refilling my prescription for steroid creme when I know it will do nothing but thin my skin further and cause side effects. Maybe this time it will be different?!
When it gets this bad, I get a mirror and try to figure out what is going on. When I looked, I was devastated. I have never seen my skin this thick and white from scar tissue, peeling, small tears in multiple places, red and raw. There are parts that are disappearing and melting into other parts (which is part of the disease) and all I could do was cry.
I hate my body.
I hate that there is not a day that goes by that I am not aware of my disease.
I hate that I have to wear tampons during those times of the month when I have moisture (usually when I am ovulating) and can't stand wetness on my skin.
I hate that the thought of sex for weeks now sends me into panic attacks.
I hate that I can't sleep.
I hate that when I wake up, if I don't shower or rinse off immediately, I come out of my skin due to pain and itching.
I hate that I am back to showering multiple times a day despite having a bidet.
I hate that I cannot find a doctor to help me.
I hate that when I looked in the mirror tonight, I was disgusted and ashamed of myself.
I hate my disease.
I hate that I know no one that has it.
I hate that this is my life.
I hate that there is no cure.
I hate that I will once again pretend that everything is okay and go to bed without telling a soul.
I hate that most people don't know.
I hate that I cannot call in sick tomorrow (what would I say?).
I hate that no one asks me how I am.
I hate that I am going to cry myself to sleep.
I hate that I.am.alone.
~S
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
UGH!
So a few things are now clear to me.
One: Juicing is a great way to feel healthy, detox, clear up skin, gain more energy and lose weight (I have lost a pound a day for a total of 19 lbs so far).
Two: It is easier than you think.
Three: For some reason, my LS is mad, angry and downright protesting.
So, I am going to finish out the last 11 days and go on a plant-based diet to shed the last pounds. Since juicing is incredibly healthy, I have come to a few conclusions. Before, when I was younger and got tested by an allergist, it was known that I was allergic to many fruits and vegetables. So, it is my belief that juicing with these certain fruits and vegetables is causing me to itch LIKE CRAZY.
I am so freakin miserable. I don't know if I can last another 11 days. :(
So why don't I just avoid these certain fruits and veggies while juicing? Because for the life of me, I cannot remember what they are! I was a teenager then and have no clue. I know that eating all melons, avocado, apples & bananas cause reactions in my mouth and throat.
So the question is, does eating foods that I am allergic to irritate my LS? Hmmm. I guess I need to make an appointment to get tested for food allergies and then avoid them.
Interesting.....~S
One: Juicing is a great way to feel healthy, detox, clear up skin, gain more energy and lose weight (I have lost a pound a day for a total of 19 lbs so far).
Two: It is easier than you think.
Three: For some reason, my LS is mad, angry and downright protesting.
So, I am going to finish out the last 11 days and go on a plant-based diet to shed the last pounds. Since juicing is incredibly healthy, I have come to a few conclusions. Before, when I was younger and got tested by an allergist, it was known that I was allergic to many fruits and vegetables. So, it is my belief that juicing with these certain fruits and vegetables is causing me to itch LIKE CRAZY.
I am so freakin miserable. I don't know if I can last another 11 days. :(
So why don't I just avoid these certain fruits and veggies while juicing? Because for the life of me, I cannot remember what they are! I was a teenager then and have no clue. I know that eating all melons, avocado, apples & bananas cause reactions in my mouth and throat.
So the question is, does eating foods that I am allergic to irritate my LS? Hmmm. I guess I need to make an appointment to get tested for food allergies and then avoid them.
Interesting.....~S
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Juicing Update
Yes, I am still juicing. Day 14 & still going strong. So far....my cough is gone, my joints hurt less, I have more energy, my appetite is suppressed and I have lost 14 lbs!!!! My pants are hanging on me, but I am afraid to try a smaller size. Maybe in another week :)
Typically, you lose a pound a day, so hopefully, after 30 days, I will have lost 30 lbs. Stay tuned!
I'm not sure if I will stop at 30 days. I may just go another month. After juicing, the game plan is to follow it with a plant based diet for a while, followed by introducing other healthy foods so I don't gain it all back. Don't worry, I am working with an expert and have almost daily talking sessions about doing this healthy.
You have to get pretty creative though. The other day, I went out with a friend and instead of dinner, we hit Jamba Juice. It was totally satisfying!
And for those of you who are wondering...Yes, I still make my family meals, including desserts. This girl has strong willpower! ~S
Typically, you lose a pound a day, so hopefully, after 30 days, I will have lost 30 lbs. Stay tuned!
I'm not sure if I will stop at 30 days. I may just go another month. After juicing, the game plan is to follow it with a plant based diet for a while, followed by introducing other healthy foods so I don't gain it all back. Don't worry, I am working with an expert and have almost daily talking sessions about doing this healthy.
You have to get pretty creative though. The other day, I went out with a friend and instead of dinner, we hit Jamba Juice. It was totally satisfying!
And for those of you who are wondering...Yes, I still make my family meals, including desserts. This girl has strong willpower! ~S
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sugar & Spice
Having two little girls, ages 6 & 4, I have learned a few things along the way. When I had my first daughter, I wanted her to be perfect. When she was a baby, I cherished the moments of dressing her up in beautiful dresses and longed for the days when her hair would grow so I could style it. I would take pictures of her in those outfits with her hair all done up and send them to my mom, friends or husband and say, "look how cute she is!" As she got older, she fought me about what she was going to wear to school, how her hair was done, or if it was done at all and finally I decided to let go.
Having a little girl is not about playing dress-up or telling her how cute she is every time she has a cute outfit on. I read an article the other day about how when people see little girls the first thing that comes out of their mouths is "oh, I love your shirt," "look how cute you look today," or "what beautiful hair you have." Why do we feel the need to compliment them on their appearances and that's it? What are we teaching our daughters? To value their appearance over anything else?
With my son, people ask him questions when they first see him such as: "How is school?" "How is life?" or "Any fun plans for today?" They never tell him how handsome or cute he is or what a cute outfit he has on. They ask him questions that make him think and show they actually have an interest in who he is as a person. Interesting.
With my second daughter, I have realized that even though she dresses herself and rarely matches, sometimes wears two different shoes, outright refuses to let me style her hair in any sort of fashion, spits, burbs, farts and is pretty much a man-baby, that is okay. I am teaching her to be herself, to embrace life, feel beautiful in her own skin, and find her own path. I have times when yes, when she is twirling in her ballet slippers in a twirly skirt I will clap and say, "Look how cute you are." But then I always follow that up with giving her constructive praise such as "Wow, you can twirls so good," or "You are really good at that Ash!"
I no longer grab the camera and make it a point to document the times when she was sporting a perfect outfit and looked fashionable, but rather when she is being Ash and her personality is showing. I look forward to when she is older and instead of having thousands of pictures of her posing in cute outfits, I will sit with her and we will laugh at how unique, talented and self-assured she was.
Daughters are such a blessing, but in today's world with all the media screaming in their face to be beautiful and perfect, it is important at home to let them know that they are more than their looks. ~S
Having a little girl is not about playing dress-up or telling her how cute she is every time she has a cute outfit on. I read an article the other day about how when people see little girls the first thing that comes out of their mouths is "oh, I love your shirt," "look how cute you look today," or "what beautiful hair you have." Why do we feel the need to compliment them on their appearances and that's it? What are we teaching our daughters? To value their appearance over anything else?
With my son, people ask him questions when they first see him such as: "How is school?" "How is life?" or "Any fun plans for today?" They never tell him how handsome or cute he is or what a cute outfit he has on. They ask him questions that make him think and show they actually have an interest in who he is as a person. Interesting.
With my second daughter, I have realized that even though she dresses herself and rarely matches, sometimes wears two different shoes, outright refuses to let me style her hair in any sort of fashion, spits, burbs, farts and is pretty much a man-baby, that is okay. I am teaching her to be herself, to embrace life, feel beautiful in her own skin, and find her own path. I have times when yes, when she is twirling in her ballet slippers in a twirly skirt I will clap and say, "Look how cute you are." But then I always follow that up with giving her constructive praise such as "Wow, you can twirls so good," or "You are really good at that Ash!"
I no longer grab the camera and make it a point to document the times when she was sporting a perfect outfit and looked fashionable, but rather when she is being Ash and her personality is showing. I look forward to when she is older and instead of having thousands of pictures of her posing in cute outfits, I will sit with her and we will laugh at how unique, talented and self-assured she was.
Daughters are such a blessing, but in today's world with all the media screaming in their face to be beautiful and perfect, it is important at home to let them know that they are more than their looks. ~S
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Day 5
After having Bronchitis since the beginning of December, my joints aching, my LS bad and the overall need to detox after all of the holidays, I have decided to do a Juice Fast.
I have done them in the past (the last one was in 2001) with great results (improved skin, health, energy and weight loss) and my family does it and swears by it. I have done extensive research and so far, after five days, I am feeling great and am getting awesome results.
Here are some benefits of Juice Fasting & the science behind it:
1. Improvement toward skin, health, sharpness, and vitality due to the metabolic change.
It involves fasting which reduces the caloric intake to the level where the liver converts stored glycogen to glucose and energy. The brain and central nervous system makes use of the glucose directly. Protein also begins to breakdown effectively.
2. Once the glycogen stores become low, the protein breakdown converts to amino acids which are used as energy. Any stored fats including tissue fats and fatty acids are utilized as energy by converting ketones that prevent the body from preventing protein loss.
3. Benefits of juice fasting is the ability to prevent ketosis (disrupted carbohydrate metabolism in response to chronic starvation) by continuously providing simple carbohydrate that is used by our body for energy and nutrition to the cells.
4. Further juice fasting benefits are the enhancement of our body elimination process for toxins by breaking down any chemicals circulating or stored within our body. All our bodily cells have the chance to repair and eliminate waste.
5. Our liver can be more focused on its detoxification process and regenerate its health condition. Our natural detox organs like colon, kidney, lungs, and blood are also able to purge out the waste products and toxins out of the bodily system efficiently.
6. As such, there is an important process that every faster has to take note of which is known as the healing crisis. This occurs only during a short period of healing and cleansing process that our body is going through. Many have experienced clearance of mucus, headaches, perspiration, sudden surge of fatigue, sleepiness, increased bowel movement and urination.
Things I have learned the first 5 days of juice fasting...
-Mixing Castor oil in Odwalla juice is not a good idea. Duh. The oil does not mix and so your first gulp is straight oil. However, it does cleanse your bowels and enable the detox to begin....at 4am...LOL!
-The first day, expect a headache, hunger pains and weakness.
-After the third day, the hunger pains are gone, the juice satisfies your cravings, your energy is back and you feel great.
-After almost six weeks of a cough, it is now gone!
-I have already seen a decrease in my itchiness with LS. Hurray!
-My joints are no longer as achy.
-My husband cannot Juice Fast due to his health, so I am going it alone. It has not been as hard as I thought.
How do I Juice Fast?
-I basically have juice (vegetable or fruit) along with some protein powder every two hours. I also have water and tea. I am still having coffee, but am hoping to cut this by day seven. No solid food is digested! I am also taking a multi-vitamin.
What is my goal?
Right now, my goal is to fast for 30 days.
How do you incorporate food again and not gain weight?
This is pretty simple. The first few days, you start on soup and continue juicing, then add greens and slowly begin adding other "clean" foods. Of course, if you go back to your bad habits and start eating large portions or unhealthy food, the weight will come right back on. An exercise program is also crucial.
*I will keep you updated and let you know how I am doing! I will also give you a 30 day weight loss and overall summary of how I am feeling.
Have you ever done a Juice Fast?
~S
I have done them in the past (the last one was in 2001) with great results (improved skin, health, energy and weight loss) and my family does it and swears by it. I have done extensive research and so far, after five days, I am feeling great and am getting awesome results.
Here are some benefits of Juice Fasting & the science behind it:
1. Improvement toward skin, health, sharpness, and vitality due to the metabolic change.
It involves fasting which reduces the caloric intake to the level where the liver converts stored glycogen to glucose and energy. The brain and central nervous system makes use of the glucose directly. Protein also begins to breakdown effectively.
2. Once the glycogen stores become low, the protein breakdown converts to amino acids which are used as energy. Any stored fats including tissue fats and fatty acids are utilized as energy by converting ketones that prevent the body from preventing protein loss.
3. Benefits of juice fasting is the ability to prevent ketosis (disrupted carbohydrate metabolism in response to chronic starvation) by continuously providing simple carbohydrate that is used by our body for energy and nutrition to the cells.
4. Further juice fasting benefits are the enhancement of our body elimination process for toxins by breaking down any chemicals circulating or stored within our body. All our bodily cells have the chance to repair and eliminate waste.
5. Our liver can be more focused on its detoxification process and regenerate its health condition. Our natural detox organs like colon, kidney, lungs, and blood are also able to purge out the waste products and toxins out of the bodily system efficiently.
6. As such, there is an important process that every faster has to take note of which is known as the healing crisis. This occurs only during a short period of healing and cleansing process that our body is going through. Many have experienced clearance of mucus, headaches, perspiration, sudden surge of fatigue, sleepiness, increased bowel movement and urination.
Things I have learned the first 5 days of juice fasting...
-Mixing Castor oil in Odwalla juice is not a good idea. Duh. The oil does not mix and so your first gulp is straight oil. However, it does cleanse your bowels and enable the detox to begin....at 4am...LOL!
-The first day, expect a headache, hunger pains and weakness.
-After the third day, the hunger pains are gone, the juice satisfies your cravings, your energy is back and you feel great.
-After almost six weeks of a cough, it is now gone!
-I have already seen a decrease in my itchiness with LS. Hurray!
-My joints are no longer as achy.
-My husband cannot Juice Fast due to his health, so I am going it alone. It has not been as hard as I thought.
How do I Juice Fast?
-I basically have juice (vegetable or fruit) along with some protein powder every two hours. I also have water and tea. I am still having coffee, but am hoping to cut this by day seven. No solid food is digested! I am also taking a multi-vitamin.
What is my goal?
Right now, my goal is to fast for 30 days.
How do you incorporate food again and not gain weight?
This is pretty simple. The first few days, you start on soup and continue juicing, then add greens and slowly begin adding other "clean" foods. Of course, if you go back to your bad habits and start eating large portions or unhealthy food, the weight will come right back on. An exercise program is also crucial.
*I will keep you updated and let you know how I am doing! I will also give you a 30 day weight loss and overall summary of how I am feeling.
Have you ever done a Juice Fast?
~S
Sunday, January 8, 2012
2012
I have many things to look forward to in 2012. However, this is what is on my mind as of now...
-My dad is having surgery tomorrow for prostate cancer :( Later, he will have surgery on his shoulder (that is barely attached) and it will take about six months to recover :(
-Planning our family vacation to Utah (that entails visiting family, friends, Lagoon Amusement Park, Zions and Bryce Canyon among other things).
-Looking for a new job in a few months. I am going to continue to teach online classes, but want something other than my editing job. I feel the need to apply my MBA more, be stimulated and challenged and make more money. I also would like to be in a company that I can move-up in :) Wish me luck!
-Registering Ash for her first year of Preschool. Can you believe she will be five and going three days a week next year?! Her birthday is past the Sept. deadline, so she won't start Kindergarten until she is 6!
-Matt's mom coming to visit in two weeks! Yikes!
-Maddie's first piano lesson tomorrow :)
-Planning our renewal of vows that we are going to do on the Oregon Coast on our 14th year anniversary...so July 2013. We are also giving my wedding ring a face lift in the next year. Soooo excited for that.
-My birthday present this June. Hehe. You will have to wait for that one. You will be shocked I'm sure!
-Starting a new eating/work-out plan this month. I feel the need to detox after all the holidays-plus, I'm not gonna lie, my pants are a little snug. Ugh!
I will keep you updated. ~S
-My dad is having surgery tomorrow for prostate cancer :( Later, he will have surgery on his shoulder (that is barely attached) and it will take about six months to recover :(
-Planning our family vacation to Utah (that entails visiting family, friends, Lagoon Amusement Park, Zions and Bryce Canyon among other things).
-Looking for a new job in a few months. I am going to continue to teach online classes, but want something other than my editing job. I feel the need to apply my MBA more, be stimulated and challenged and make more money. I also would like to be in a company that I can move-up in :) Wish me luck!
-Registering Ash for her first year of Preschool. Can you believe she will be five and going three days a week next year?! Her birthday is past the Sept. deadline, so she won't start Kindergarten until she is 6!
-Matt's mom coming to visit in two weeks! Yikes!
-Maddie's first piano lesson tomorrow :)
-Planning our renewal of vows that we are going to do on the Oregon Coast on our 14th year anniversary...so July 2013. We are also giving my wedding ring a face lift in the next year. Soooo excited for that.
-My birthday present this June. Hehe. You will have to wait for that one. You will be shocked I'm sure!
-Starting a new eating/work-out plan this month. I feel the need to detox after all the holidays-plus, I'm not gonna lie, my pants are a little snug. Ugh!
I will keep you updated. ~S
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Resolutions
Here are my New Years Resolutions. What are yours?
1. Wear a true Red lipstick. I just got Clinique's red-y to wear.
2. Go to bed and actually fall asleep before Matt gets home from work (he gets home between 1 & 2 am).
3. Try not to spend any money (besides Food & Gas) for the month of January (we are saving up to get a hot tub).
4. Take more two-day off weeks (I usually only take Saturday off work).
5. See a doctor for my LS.
6. Get a pedicure (something I NEVER do).
7. Get back on a walking routine when it warms up.
8. Grow my hair a few more inches (it will be to my waist).
9. Plan more date nights with the hubby.
10. Do more one-on-one date nights with the kids.
~S
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Starting out the New Year
Today....
I cringe when I use my bidet. The water hitting my multiple fissures causes me to squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath until the feeling of salt being poured on a fresh wound subsides.
All I want to do is wear yoga pants, a hoodie, crawl in bed, eat chocolate and watch a sad movie.
I can't bear the thought of sitting on a hard surface, wiping with toilet paper or having sex.
However, today I got my kids up and to school, went to my editing job, came home and answered student questions for my online class, went to Home Goods and spent some money I had from Christmas (this is what I got)...
I cringe when I use my bidet. The water hitting my multiple fissures causes me to squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath until the feeling of salt being poured on a fresh wound subsides.
All I want to do is wear yoga pants, a hoodie, crawl in bed, eat chocolate and watch a sad movie.
I can't bear the thought of sitting on a hard surface, wiping with toilet paper or having sex.
However, today I got my kids up and to school, went to my editing job, came home and answered student questions for my online class, went to Home Goods and spent some money I had from Christmas (this is what I got)...
....made the kids dinner, cleaned the house, took my son to Lego Robotics with my two girls in tow, put them to bed and now I am about to start editing. For me, on most days, pain is inevitable. How I choose to deal with it, is up to me. But....it still sucks.~S
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Candy Machine!
We always have kids at our house and so we decided to buy one of these! It's a Beaver brand, so I'm sure it will last many, many years. We decided to get canary yellow instead of the classic red.
We are going to charge $0.25 and will alternate between nuts, candy and maybe even bouncy balls. I think it will be fun for the neighbor kids. Eventually, I want to get a popcorn machine like this one...
We can use it in our garage (since we don't park in there), for birthday parties and take it to our annual BBQ for Matt's work.
Fun, Fun! ~S
We are going to charge $0.25 and will alternate between nuts, candy and maybe even bouncy balls. I think it will be fun for the neighbor kids. Eventually, I want to get a popcorn machine like this one...
Fun, Fun! ~S
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