Christmas Wish List

I don't know about you, but this is one of the first years that my kids don't have something specific they want, so I have NO CLUE what to get them!

Here are some things I want though...LOL.


1} Earrings & New Ring (for fun)
2} Shoes (for work)
3} Clothes (for work)

I basically think I need to shop for myself this year since the thought of my husband picking my clothes/shoes out is scary. Hehe.

What's on your Christmas List? ~S

It's Beginning to Look alot Like Christmas

There is Garland on the peak of the roof, which is why the lights are wavy :)



Front Door



Ornaments on Ceiling :)

Buddy the Elf.  "The Elf on the Shelf." He came to visit us yesterday :)


Tomorrow is Matt's birthday. We are going out to breakfast, then to cut down our Christmas tree. Fun times! ~S

Signing Off

Hi Blog Readers,
I have a ton going on in my life right now. I know I need to take care of myself, but currently, my dad has to be the priority.

Along with cancer, he is battling Parkinson's, the fact that he is not mobile/independent anymore and in the hospital for who knows how long.

I knew from the time I was little, my journey in life would lead me here-making decisions in regards to my dad's health, but I must admit, I pictured myself more mature, more knowledgeable, experienced and more emotionally stable.  But, I don't think anyone is ready for this.  All I can do is take it day by day, talk it out over and over with friends and cry until I can't cry anymore.

My brothers and I have to make some big decisions over the next few weeks which leaves little time for blogging.

Pray we will make the right ones. I will leave you with a quote.

"Every great decision creates ripples--like a huge boulder dropped in a lake. The ripples merge, rebound off the banks in unforeseeable ways. The heavier the decision, the larger the waves, the more uncertain the consequences." --Ben Aaronovitch

See you on the flip side :) Happy Holidays. ~S

Dear Dad

As a child, I remember you building houses, fixing cars, doing endless good deeds for neighbors, friends and complete strangers.  You always spoke in a soft voice, never raised your voice, gave great advice and a listening ear and provided for your whole family. You took me fishing, camping, and always was a good role model for me. I cannot even explain how much you have shaped my life and made me who I am.

I remember running down from my work to meet you when I was 13 and 14 at the U of U to eat lunch with you and hopefully eat some of those yummy treats you had hidden in your desk drawer. I was always so proud of you and would brag endlessly to my friends about you. I always and still do, speak about you with great pride.

Despite all the mistakes I made as a teen, you loved me anyway. I have never questioned whether you were proud or if you loved me. Your actions have always spoken louder than words.

You stood by my mom for all these years despite her mental illness and all the challenges that have come with it. You have taught me that you love despite all the odds and if you stick it through, good things will come. You taught me to work hard, never give up and give someone the shirt off your back if that is what is needed.

You have been through so much: losing your first grandchild, having two kids born with health issues, years and years of suffering with Parkinson's and having to give up the life you once knew.

Know this....You are loved, admired and we are so proud of you. You could not have been a better father, husband, papa or friend to all of those you have encountered. You are the strongest person I know and it breaks my heart and soul to see you suffering so bad.

Be strong. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you to not be able to get up from a sitting position, walk without falling, not be able to grasp objects anymore, drive, fish, talk or do simple things like get dressed. I wish I could trade you places and give you back the life that you deserve. You are so young to be suffering so.

Know that I think of you often, cry for you and hurt for you. You are my father and despite your disease, I still am proud of you and have faith that you can and will endure.

Please stay strong. I know you are in so much pain right now, stuck in a hospital and feel like giving up. But you have four kids that love you, grand kids and many people who are here to help you.  Letting people help you is not being weak or less of a man. You took care of us for years, let us take care of you. You held me up, let me hold you up.

I am so sorry that you are trapped in a body that will not do what you want it to do. I am so sorry that I am not further along in my career so I can help you out more. I wish I could build you a house that would enable you to get some freedom back. Know that we are all trying to figure out how to make your life better and give you joy again.

I know it seems like your trials will never end and your journey has been so very long. Just know you are not alone, we love you more than anything. Hang in there.

Love you Dad. You will never know how much. Your Daughter. ~S

Stress

Stress is ugly. Plain and simple. But, just when I start to relax, more starts creeping up. So here is a very brief blog post about what's up in the Barbee house. Pray for me, I am close to losing it. Literally.

1} My dad went by ambulance to the hospital today. He will be there for a few days. I am heart broken and not sure what to do.

2} My daughter needs some decisions made on her behalf in regards to education and her learning disabilities and I am not sure what to do.

3} It has been almost 1.5 years since I had my LS checked and had a skin cancer biopsy. I know I need to go in, but am not sure I can handle what they will tell me, so....I keep putting it off.

4} Balancing work, volunteering, friends and family is tough. I am taking it day-by-day.

5} I need to make a two year plan in regards to my career path. When Ash starts school, I want to be making A LOT more money and putting my two degrees to better use. That is, have a career I always envisioned. I love my jobs now because they allow me to avoid daycare, but when Ash starts school, I will no longer be content.

6} My husband is not doing well with his health and I don't know what to do.

Trying to work at home with three kids (and sometimes their friends) is so challenging. I am working anywhere from 25-35 hours a week right now (about 10 of that is at the office and Matt watches them). So I have to get creative to be able to spend time with Ash all day, take the boy to after school activities, Maddie to Girl Scouts and play dates and spend time with the husband. It is possible though. But, some weeks are busier than others.

How have I been dealing with all this stress?! Chocolate, coffee, nights out with friends (thanks Michelle and Jennifer!) laughing, crying, senseless TV, and looking forward to all the great things that happen this time of year. I will endure....I have to :) ~S

What's On Your Thanksgiving Table?!

I was shocked to find out that some people only spend about $50 on Thanksgiving dinner when they host. Not this family! I seriously do not know how that is possible.

So What's on Our Table this Thanksgiving?

Appetizers: 
Homemade Cheeseball & Crackers
Pumpkin Spice Cheese Torta & Crackers
Veggie Tray w/ homemade dip
Cream cheese stuffed, bacon wrapped jalapenos (these are Matt's and are to die for!)
Deviled Eggs

Main Course:
Turkey w/ cranberry sauce
Mashed potatoes and gravy
Stuffing
Biscuits and rolls
Frog-eyed fruit salad
Sweet potato, marshmallow, pecan casserole (recipe doubled)
Green bean casserole (recipe doubled)

Dessert:
Pumpkin pie w/ Cool Whip
Apple Pie w/ vanilla ice cream
Tiramisu Cake

Drinks:
Martinelli's
Martini Rossi Asti Spumante
Soda
Wine
Pumpkin Egg Nog

*We are feeding around 16 people, so I have to make double of most stuff. This family likes to have left-overs. Nothing sucks more than cooking all day and not having any left-overs!

Happy Thanksgiving. Count your blessing :) ~S

My Own Desk!!!

Guess What?!! I got my own desk at work!!!

This may seem totally lame for most of you, but for a freelancer, it is fabulous! Before, I would have to come in and use one of two computers that other people used and sometimes, they would be full and I would have to either wait or do something else until they were done. Also, people in the office would walk by and take our supplies off our desk. I know I was not the only one feeling like we were the "odd ones" in the office because we had no place of our own.

My office has laid people off recently which freed up some space, so they did a complete remodel of the work stations and gave me my own desk! I am super excited to have my own space and add a few personal touches like pictures, a plant and so forth. Yeah!!!!! I will take a pic once I get settled and organized.

I am also excited for our work Christmas party. Our office is having it at a restaurant in Portland that I have never been too, but from the menu, seems pretty fancy. Fun, fun!

~S

Thankful

Since it is almost Thanksgiving, I figured I should blog about what I am Thankful for. My disease has been bad lately, so I really want to focus on the positives this month :)

1} My husband. He is the most creative, loving father I could have ever asked for to help me raise our kids. He is a thoughtful, romantic husband who often surprises me with "Just Because" gifts. He is my soul mate and I cannot picture my life without him. Who said 6 weeks of dating followed by marriage would not work out?!!! We are going to Stephanie Inn this December and I cannot wait!

2} My three beautiful children. I adore all of them and am so lucky I have been able to stay home and watch them grow.

3} My family. I was blessed with three brothers who I look up to, am proud of and would not trade for anything. They are all an inspiration to me.

4} My friends. This year, our table will be surrounded by 16 people and I will stuff them silly with yummy food, laughter and great conversation.

5} My home. There are things I would change about my home, but overall, I love it. I have it decorated just the way I want and am content staying it in for a while.

6} My jobs. I am blessed to have two jobs I love. They can get hectic at times (this week I have 160 papers to grade in four days) but I do enjoy what I am doing.

7} Music and literature. They allow me to escape, relax and reflect.

8} Nature. This year, I have been really aware of the beauty of Fall. The colors seem to be more vibrant and Portland has given us many beautiful days.

9} Coffee. Do I really need to explain this one!

10} Costco. This may be funny to you, but I love this store. Recently, I bought a candle warmer, awesome two tier serving dish and collage picture frame.

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and are able to spend it with family and friends. I am thankful for all of you. ~S

October Pics



Sparkle Pumpkins




Spider Infested House




Apple Farm Maze





Pumpkin Patch

 

Costumes (1)

Matt & Ashlin's Pumpkin Guy. Ashlin requested that our house be "more scary" this year.

Costumes (2)

My Girls Always Change at Least Twice for Halloween. I have no Idea Why!

This was the first year that I actually bought the girls costumes that they picked out. Matt told them in the store not to get ones with masks because he knew they would not wear them. They insisted that they had to have masks. They made it to one house with the masks on, then they refused to wear them for the rest of the night. LOL.

Usually, we have enough dress-up stuff around the house they can wear, or friends pass down costumes for my kids. Next year, we will be wearing something from around the house :)  ~S

October Update

We had a great Halloween celebration. We went to the Fantasy Trail, Lake View Farms, a Halloween party and The Apple Farm. I love our Fall traditions. My neighbor also does an amazing haunted house each year and I was so in awe to see how much work they put into it. They even had water and half a pirate ship this year. I love living in a neighborhood that has fabulous spirit around Halloween.

This year was also the first year that we let Jaiden trick-or-treat with a friend and no parents. It went great. He had a cell phone and boundaries of where he could go. I went with friends at his age, so I figured it was time :) Sad to think he only has a few more years.

Matt had over a week off work and it was nice to have him around. Although, I still had to work my two jobs, so nothing much changed for me.

Currently, I am planning a baby shower for a friend, pondering Christmas and getting excited for Thanksgiving. This year, instead of family, we are having a "friends Thanksgiving" like last year, at our house. So far, the head count is 11, possibly 14. We will see. Either way, I am excited.

Some random things: We have lost our Comcast remote, so we have to keep taking it upstairs for that TV, then back downstairs for our other one. Tonight, my son stuck Silly Putty on it. Lord help me. Now I am using a sticky remote. Nice.

Matt had a ton of doctor appointments yesterday. He now has a heart monitor that is not working too well with his vest for work. I am still working on our diet and eating habits to center around a "clean" diet.

I talked to my mom about "past issues" and we had a nice chat. I got everything, well mostly, out. Mother and daughter relationships are complicated. I have not met one person that does not have "mom" issues. I am glad that I was able to grow into my own, unique person despite my past.

Today, I went to dinner with the kids and to a store......with not an ounce of make-up.....and a huge, seriously like the size of a pencil eraser, zit on my face. Gasp!!! I did not care. I am comfortable in my own skin and feel beautiful with or without make-up. Do you ever go anywhere without make-up?

My dad breaks my heart. Every time I see him, he is worse or at least no better. I.Hate.Parkinson's.  He cannot get up from a sitting position, drops things when trying to grasp them and falls constantly. It is so hard for a child to see their parent struggle. I wish I could trade him places and give him back his life.

My mom is haunted by voices. She is thin, fragile and a totally different person than I remember. It is hard to be around her. The constant talking to the voices drives me crazy. With her, I cannot let my walls down because I have no idea of what is going to happen next. She expects me just to accept that the voices are who she is now, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable to be around her when she is whispering or talking to them.

Life is hard. I have learned that is does not get better, but rather more complicated as you get older. There is always a challenge you must overcome, despair you must get past and always heartache that you must deal with. But, in all the hardships of the world, there are too many moments of hope, love and joy that get you past all the ugly things. There is beauty in the world and I am so grateful that I can see it.

I hate my disease, but at least it is not in the open. When I first started this blog, I hated how people could not see the pain I was in-I was alone. But now, I am grateful that mine is a hidden struggle. I don't want people to see my pain, strangers to stop and stare or my family to feel heartache for me, but, I do need to talk and vent to you readers. Thanks for being my silent support system.

~S

Lockers!

Remember how messy our toy/coat closet was? I have wanted a place for a long time that would enable the kids to keep their bike helmet, coats, backpacks, umbrellas and winter gear all organized and not clutter my closet. So, this was our solution. Awesome. They each have one. I.Love.This. Idea.

Oh, and for those who are wondering...yes, that is a Persian rug....from Iran...in our garage. My husband does not allow me to park in there. It is his Man-Space. He textured and painted the walls and did the floor. But that is okay. I have complete domain of the house (in terms of decorating), so I guess I can give him this one room :) ~S

Garage Lockers