Dear Dad

As a child, I remember you building houses, fixing cars, doing endless good deeds for neighbors, friends and complete strangers.  You always spoke in a soft voice, never raised your voice, gave great advice and a listening ear and provided for your whole family. You took me fishing, camping, and always was a good role model for me. I cannot even explain how much you have shaped my life and made me who I am.

I remember running down from my work to meet you when I was 13 and 14 at the U of U to eat lunch with you and hopefully eat some of those yummy treats you had hidden in your desk drawer. I was always so proud of you and would brag endlessly to my friends about you. I always and still do, speak about you with great pride.

Despite all the mistakes I made as a teen, you loved me anyway. I have never questioned whether you were proud or if you loved me. Your actions have always spoken louder than words.

You stood by my mom for all these years despite her mental illness and all the challenges that have come with it. You have taught me that you love despite all the odds and if you stick it through, good things will come. You taught me to work hard, never give up and give someone the shirt off your back if that is what is needed.

You have been through so much: losing your first grandchild, having two kids born with health issues, years and years of suffering with Parkinson's and having to give up the life you once knew.

Know this....You are loved, admired and we are so proud of you. You could not have been a better father, husband, papa or friend to all of those you have encountered. You are the strongest person I know and it breaks my heart and soul to see you suffering so bad.

Be strong. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you to not be able to get up from a sitting position, walk without falling, not be able to grasp objects anymore, drive, fish, talk or do simple things like get dressed. I wish I could trade you places and give you back the life that you deserve. You are so young to be suffering so.

Know that I think of you often, cry for you and hurt for you. You are my father and despite your disease, I still am proud of you and have faith that you can and will endure.

Please stay strong. I know you are in so much pain right now, stuck in a hospital and feel like giving up. But you have four kids that love you, grand kids and many people who are here to help you.  Letting people help you is not being weak or less of a man. You took care of us for years, let us take care of you. You held me up, let me hold you up.

I am so sorry that you are trapped in a body that will not do what you want it to do. I am so sorry that I am not further along in my career so I can help you out more. I wish I could build you a house that would enable you to get some freedom back. Know that we are all trying to figure out how to make your life better and give you joy again.

I know it seems like your trials will never end and your journey has been so very long. Just know you are not alone, we love you more than anything. Hang in there.

Love you Dad. You will never know how much. Your Daughter. ~S