Why?

Somewhere along this journey of blogging about my disease, someone who suffers from vulvar pain asked me why I finally decided to reveal my secret and really the answer is simple for me.

I pondered all the parts of my life that I have revealed to family, friends and strangers and this one area was one that I had never dreamed of telling anyone other than the people who were close to me. But, this disease, regardless of how much I hated it and wished it was not part of me, has shaped me. My view of myself has changed because of it-I am irreparable. I felt so alone and wanted to just show everyone all the ugliness (at least that is how I perceived it) and have them tell me that maybe it wasn't so ugly after all.

After doing this blog, I have realized that perhaps this part of me is not ugly at all. Not as shameful as I once thought it to be, but rather, in a way, the most important part of me and to lose it would be to lose myself. It has pushed me, broken me and made me really look at life. I am a changed person because of it.

This disease has made me even more aware of other people who suffer, made me stronger because I have to get out of bed each day and face the world despite being in chronic pain and most importantly set an example to my kids that whatever life throws you, you cannot give up. Sure, you will have times when you breakdown and cry, want to give up and think you can't take it anymore, but life is made up of many challenges. For some people theirs are short lived and for others they suffer until they die. I suppose it's how you carry yourself during the journey that matters. How you decide to live rather than not to live. I want to be remembered for my strengths, giving nature, charity, personality and my impact on other people's lives, rather than my disease.

It is daunting to think that I will probably suffer with this my whole life, but I have learned that if I approach one day at a time, remind myself that it could be so much worse and surround myself with positive people, I will survive with  my sanity intact.

A true friend or loved one will stick by me despite my challenges and will be okay talking to me about it, rather than pretending it's not there. Some people are just not ready to hear about the reality of other people's lives and I shouldn't have to live locked within the walls of a secret because of their insecurities. ~S